Absent Memory
by keelahbitch
Summary: What would happen if Shepard was alive after the reaper war? She's thrown into a universe she barely recognizes when she cant recall how she supposedly saved thousands of people from the greatest threat known to man. Who will she choose between Kaidan and James? The ugly truth or the beautiful lies?
1. Chapter 1

The injured woman drew back her eyelids, blinking rapidly as her eyes came in contact with the white light above her, she tried lifting an arm but failed when she realized how much the action hurt her entire chest. Squinting, she examined the room before her, and saw that nothing but blank walls surrounded her and a few medical gadgets. This was not the med-bay she recognized, she wondered where she was as there wasnt a single window in this quiet room. Nothing to give her a sign of where she might be, not even a single sound was heard through the only entrance. The woman began to think that she was left alone in here to die, the pain surging through her body was unbearable, she needed help. She shouted in pain as she barely managed to sit up, her back cracking with every move she made, she swung her legs off the bed, one of her hands clutching the pillow not letting her body focus on the pain her legs brought. She was determined to get help, unless she was already dead and this was just a dream. Her bottom lip trembled but she managed to compose her features, slowly sliding off the small bed. Her bare feet touched the cold floor and with a groan she balanced herself on her two legs. The red-headed woman did not move a single muscle, she was afraid that she would only fall over at an attempt to walk. She didnt realize how bad it would be when she approached the thing that hurt her in this way, but here she was barely standing. A creak of a door snapped her out her thoughts, and she caught sight of male dressed in a white uniform coming through. His widened eyes looked her over, running to her side in a second, all she heard from him was a small scolding as he helped her onto the bed once more. She whimpered and he scolded again, "We need you fully healed, you cant be moving when you just went through a very serious procedure."

She opened her mouth but nothing came out, even her jaw ached making her frown. "Where am I?" She asked, her voice small and hoarse. The man pointed at his badge and in a crisp British accent he replied, "Hospital." The woman frowned again, confusion spread on her face, but when she turned to face the doctor once more he had already walked out of the room tapping away at his Omni-tool. She sighed once more before getting comfortable on the bed, she furrowed an eyebrow as she thought about this "serious procedure" the doctor mentioned. She doesnt remember going under, how long has she been out for? Where is everyone? She should be expecting a visit from Anderson at the very least, she thought. Instead of closing her tired eyes she kept them open afraid that she would die in her sleep. She shrugged, she was just another soldier, who would care if she would die here? She didnt have family. Shepard grew up on the streets, sticking to thievery until she joined a gang, and after the trouble her supposed friends got her into, a recruiter stopped by and told her why it would be better to join the military rather than getting caught by the law. Jane never expected to go down like this, she definitely thought she would die on Akuze.

After what seemed like an eternity had passed, she heard the door creak again and various heels clicked on the white floor. She turned her head to face the people in the room, but none of their faces seemed familiar, but one friendly face was what she needed to relax. In the now crowded room stood - before anyone else - Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. Shepard's green eyes darted from each face, their smiles warm but worried nonetheless, she rose an eyebrow at the Lieutenant, who wouldve thought that the reserved guy had friends like these, she thought ad scanned the guests again. Alenko stepped forward cautiously, his eyes red and swollen, he looked like he was crying. Of course it was a strange sight to see how the Lieutenant looked so devastated by her situation, he took her hand in his and brought it carefully towards his lips. Kaidan planted the lightest kiss on the back of her hand, she didnt want to pull it away, she was afraid that she's hurt his feelings. The Commander cleared her sore throat and with her free hand she massaged her jaw, her raspy tone alarming the soldier before her.

"You seem to be doing just fine, Alenko," She said her voice strained, swallowing hard to sooth the burn in her dry throat

"Not really," He replied, shifting slighly, setting her hand back on the back gently on the bed.

"Oh?" Shepard examined his features, and without warning he grabbed the sides of her face and leaned in quickly to smash his lips to hers. The ache in her jaw worsened, and she tried pulling back but she was weak and in pain. Jane threw a punch and screamed in agony at the pain that shot up her arm, she scooted as far away as she could from him ignoring her body's protest. Kaidan rubbed the spot where her fist came in contact with, his eyes flashing hurt.

"Sorry," the Lieutenant mumbled and looked down.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Lieutenant!?" Shepard asked and watched as he looked up in shock.

"Ma'am, did you just call me Lieutenant?"

She shrugged, and looked him over in confusion she was so close to the edge of the bed that in any movement would send her to the floor. Jane looked at everyone's faces, they all caught the small interaction between them, one man stood out from the rest he had a small smile on his lips. The amused look in his eyes never fading as time progressed, he crossed his arms making his biceps stand out even more under that dirty white shirt. Her heart spiked at the sight of him winking at her, Shepard wondered what the man was thinking that pleased him that he was smiling at what had just happened. "Commander, what year is this?" an Asari asked, stepping forward, playing with her hands nervously.

The Commander only glanced at her briefly but she returned her gaze to the man with dark brown faux hawk, that fit perfectly with his bronze skin. Her eyes traveled down from the top of his head down to his strong neck, that had this beautifully done tribal, she could tell there was more to the tattoo but the shirt he was wearing covered the rest. "2183," Jane answered absentmindedly as she looked over the other man curiously, she didnt know what this man had that caught her attention but he did. As soon as she mentioned the date his amused expression changed to a sorrowful one in a matter of seconds, he looked around for a moment before looking back at her in shock. Her green eyes darted from each person in the room, their face etched with distress, and she caught the way Kaidan's eyes filled with tears. Shepard couldnt understand what was so shocking that rendered them speechless, Jane's eyes drifted back to the muscled soldier but he wasnt in his place anymore and the only door in the room was left ajar.


	2. Chapter 2

The Commander's thoughts were jumbled, running wild in what she felt was an empty mind, she rubbed her sore temple in thought. Surely these people were someone important, maybe not to her but outside in the world, they were probably soldiers in the fight against what seemed as a rogue Spectre and his army of Geth. She couldnt get Kaidan's saddened expression out her head, she obviously had done something wrong that he had been affected by all of this. The Asari's eyes displayed hurt quite easily, and she no longer looked at Shepard with that ecstatic smile, none of the guests did anymore. What was more strange to her was that the muscled soldier had left them all behind without a single word, she wanted to find out what was going on but didnt have the physical strength to get up and ask the guests who filed out of the room casting back glances. Shepard lifted an injured hand again and tossed her red hair forward, playing with it, still in deep thought. After a few minutes she lowered her hand and picked at the scab on her other hand that was neatly laid upon her sheet covered legs. She frowned as a few tiny droplets of blood seeped through the cut when she scratched at it, she didnt know why she had been surprised when it had done this it was normal. The cut was fresh, it was to be expected. Her eyes began to sting, her hands balling into fists on her legs, Jane didnt know why she was so angry but she felt like she needed to get out of this room and tell someone off. Shepard couldnt also quite figure out the lonely feeling in her chest, as if something was missing and that everything that was happening right now had a larger story behind it.

Her head throbbed as she recalled the time she had spent her nights in N-School, the long hours of training just to work her way up the latter, to the last and most honorable position. She had few friends at the time and they treated her far better than the gang back on Earth, "Here we're family," a drill Sergeant shouted at the students when they had gotten into a heated argument about something stupid, probably who was the best Captain out there, or the best movie of all time. She knew for sure it was something childish. A few others had voiced their opinion but were quickly shot down by another voice and thats how it all started, next thing Shepard knew is that these two guys started throwing punches when one of them decided to bring the other's mom into the discussion. Jane later visited one of the guys at the infirmary, handing him a clean cloth, and his smile was all it took to make her walls come crashing down. Shepard never really had a real boyfriend not until her time in ICT and from past experience, she expected guys to be after one thing. But after all the training they had to part ways, seeing as she had graduated and he didnt. She would be lying if she said she hadnt hoped for failure, but she succeeded and moved on through to the real stuff. That feeling she had when she realized she would never see him again is the same as the feeling set in her chest. Shepard hadnt noticed she was crying until her vision blurred and she couldnt breathe properly through her nostrils. She sniffed and wiped away the stray tears calmly, it had felt like ages since she last cried like this, and laughed under her breath when these tears werent because of anything. They just happened.

Someone cleared their throat and she looked up almost immediately, and began rubbing her eyes quickly, she certainly didnt like when anyone watched her cry, they might think she was weak. Shepard gasped slightly when she realized it was the musclular soldier from before, leaning casually against a wall arms still crossed tightly on his built chest. The man gave her a small smile, and gestured to the empty chair nearby, "May I?" his deep voice echoed through the small room and Jane nodded promptly. He headed over to the chair, keeping his dark brown eyes on her, he slid the chair closer to the bed and plopped down with a huff. The Commander didnt know how to react, she was left speechless by the only visitor. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed hard, "I'm James, by the way," he paused, looking away from her face to stare at the machinery behind her, "James Vega."

"Jane Shepard," She muttered, keeping still on the bed. She had expected for him to continue the conversation, he was after all the only one to come back in after what seemed she had shocked everyone, but he didnt he just looked at her sadly with those dark eyes of his, and she stared back at him curiously. She didnt quite had the chance to study him and his strong features, a scar ran from his nose down to his cheek, he had been in combat too as she saw other flaws. Fresh wounds on his arms, and with the cuts and bruises he looked extremely attractive, that was something she couldnt deny. "Back from a fight?" Shepard asked him and he looked down at her again with the same grin as before.

"_Dios mio_, Lola," James laughed, shaking his head, and peered up her again. "You have no idea."

She threw him a puzzled look, "Lola?"

Vega scratched the back of his head, as if he was trying to find a way to answer, but for a small second his expression was unreadable. It seemed as time stood still as he gazed into her green eyes, his eyes searching something within Shepard but she couldnt figure out what he wanted to see. She took the time to memorize every detail of him, down to the way the ink on his neck twisted into a wonderful pattern on his tanned skin, how it moved when he did. It was a moment of pure silence, it was starting to make her nervous, she shifted from her sitting position and laid her head on the pillow. The pain was shocking her body with every movement but she ignored it and turned to her side to fully face James, his eyes on her. She yawned and grimaced sleepily at the soldier who in return gave her a full smile showing her his pearly whites. Shepard looked at him expectantly, she wanted to hear his response, but he didnt utter a single word. Jane didnt bother telling him to leave because her words would only spill out in clutter, and he wouldnt understand her.

The door creaked again and in came the pilot of the Normandy, he limped towards the bed taking his time, his eyes darting between James and the Commander. "Hey, Commander," Joker greeted, and James stood up letting the pilot sit down. Shepard didnt move an inch from her spot, she was happily comfortable in the spot she was in now, and so was Moreau he didnt bother scooting his chair back. She hummed in response to him, again not bothering to speak, she was in fact starting to feel the effects of sleep deprivation. She hadnt let her body rest properly. What really did surprise her was the fact that Alenko kissed her without warning, she'd have to keep her distance, if he's wanted a relationship or anything like that they'd have to get to know each other, but she felt as though she needed to prepare just in case Alenko tried to kiss her again. Shepard shivered, and James immediately acted, going over to the end of the bed to reach for the spare blanket. He pulled it over her, and stood back to watch her from behind Jeff, and in a few seconds she felt her eyes droop. She sighed calmly as she curled up on the bed, hearing both men whisper to each other.

The Commander made no effort in listening to their conversation, and let sleep take over her tired body.


	3. Chapter 3

When Shepard awoke, she had expected to be the only one in the room, but she was accompanied by the soldier that had kissed her without warning. She rubbed her eyes with both hands, blinking rapidly as her vision adjusted to the lights from above, breathing out softly as she stretched her arms over her head. She turned to face Alenko, his soft brown iris' comforting her instantly and she let her arms fall lightly back onto the bed, she noticed a little black box sitting on his lap. Kaidan shifted his glance from her eyes and down to her lips, but all Jane did was laugh lightly, making the Lieutenant look up again. There was something pleasant about the silence surrounding the two of them, oddly enjoyable as they looked into each other's eyes. Shepard felt something in her chest, the flutter of her heart as he drew in a sudden breath as if he was admiring something about her, and she couldnt help but feel delighted at how just his presence made her feel. Like she had hinted at before, it felt odd, in a nice way of course.

The man before her cleared his throat, and she raised both eyebrows getting ready to listen to what he had to say and from the box he pulled out a necklace. Without a single word he handed it over to her but when she reached for it he had taken it back to unclasp it, "Allow me," he murmured and she leaned in slightly to let him place the jewelry around her neck, lifting her hair up from the back. "There," Alenko whispered, his fingertips delicately brushed the sensitive spot on her neck, making her shiver.

When the charm fell upon her chest, she took the time to examine it closely, Shepard couldnt figure out what it was. The so-called charm looked as though it was burned, contorted into something different than what it originally was. Jane twisted the figure around and as she did something caught her eye, it gleamed as the light from the room hit it, it glowed brightly. The most beautiful diamond was surrounded by the melted metal, she let it fall and looked up at him again. "Thank you," Jane whispered, clutching the sheets. She closed her eyes momentarily, inhaled the cold air in the room. She bit the inside of her cheek in thought, her mind had clouded up when she tried remembering where else had she seen the gem.

"Kaidan, what happened on Eden Prime?" Shepard asked the Lieutenant, she kept her eyes on him as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He ran a hand through his dark hair, looking for any answer it seemed but nothing was said and that worried the Commander.

"What exactly do you remember?" Kaidan shot back.

Shepard frowned as she recalled, her throbbed slightly, "Well, we landed on Eden Prime, Jenkins was KIA. We were informed by this man that Nihlus was killed by Saren, a Spectre. We also found out that he's got the Geth working for him. There was this Prothean artifact that stunned you or something along those lines, I pushed you out of the way and I was the one caught. These images were burned into my head, and soon after I was knocked out. God knows for how long."

"That's about right, Shepard," Alenko muttered, not bothering to answer her question. There was so many things Shepard wanted to ask the Lieutenant, since there seemed to be so much he was hiding from her. All the guests from before seemed to be holding back something, the Quarian, although masked seemed a bit nervous. The Quarian girl toyed with her hands, and beside her the Turian's mandibles flared, his arm tightening around her waist. They were a couple, she concluded, and it was a surprise to see inter-species relationships because, of course, she wasnt used to the sight. The Asari pushed past the group and asked Jane the question that stunned everyone in the room, she didnt think anything of it until she had seen Kaidan tear up, and James walk out of the room. The Asari's bottom lips trembled, and she retreated back behind everyone.

"Why was everyone surprised by my answer earlier?" Shepard asked, raising a hand to scratch the new scar on her arm.

You mean yesterday?" Yesterday? Time seemed to fly by without a window in the room, and she found it a bit unnerving how she couldnt keep track of time, it would surely make her feel better if she would be allowed to watch the sun rise and set. She now wished she could have a window to gaze at the stars, wondering where she should travel next, she'd have to ask Anderson if they could have some shore leave in another cluster.

The commander nodded intently, leaning in to hear his reply clearly, her right hand still scratching her wound lightly.

"Well, because..." The Lieutenant hesitated, and just before he opened his mouth once more he was interrupted by someone with a loud voice, a woman to be exact. A woman who was had this beautiful permanent ink etched on her skin, twists ans turns forming into other vibrant colors, and a light shade of pink around her wrists and neck that when she approached, Shepard realized they were scars. She had her hair in a ponytail but the sides were shaven, she rocked a leather jacket over a white top that showed her midriff, the tattoos extending down to her stomach.

"Hey, Shepard," She greeted, making Kaidan jump. "Hey, pretty boy, out! Its my turn."

Alenko complied and left his seat to walk out the door without a word or a glance, she took the chair and spun it around, throwing her leg over one side and plopped down, keeping her brown eyes on Shepard. "How are you feeling?" The tatted woman asked awkwardly, but Shepard didnt answer. Who were these people?

"I'm Jack, by the way," The woman continued, looking at her black nails briefly before turning her attention back to the Commander.

'Nice to meet you, Jack, I'm Jane-"

"I know who you are, Shepard," Jack sneered, raising an eyebrow in the process.

Shepard didnt know why but she took an immediate liking to Jack, she seemed like one of those people that didnt hold anything back, and that was something Shepard needed at the time. People were holding back so many things from her and Jack was the perfect candidate to show her what was going on. Jane smiled at her and Jack returned the grin, Jack's smirk quickly turned into laughter when she studied Shepard.

"Damn, Shepard, you look like shit ," Jack snickered, making Jane chime in, clutching at her sides frantically as her sore ribs expanded with every breath she took. Shepard had no idea as to why she found this so funny, but she did and she was struggling to catch her breath.


	4. Chapter 4

The Lieutenant looked down to his plate of eggs, his fork catching the bits of egg left behind, when he looked up again he had noticed the Major still in his bitter behavior, stabbing his breakfast sub in the process. James didnt bother asking him what was wrong because everyone knew the answer, it was Shepard's memory loss that's got him like this, he now spends his days sulking looking at the time every chance he got for an opportunity to be with her again. Everyone seemed to feel bad about the situation and what Kaidan was going through, everyone except James. At first, the Lieutenant found it rather amusing at how Shepard was sitting up in bed when a couple weeks ago she was barely breathing, nothing could keep her down, James chuckled making Alenko look up from his mauled sandwich. "You okay?" He asked, eyeing his face, but James just nodded, looking down once more to push the crumbs around on his plate.

"Who's turn is it?" James asked, his eyes peering at the clock above the wall, stretching his arms above his head and with a groan he settled his arms on the table.

"It was supposed to be Liara's turn but she ran off," the Major replied.

"Right, so…" James paused.

"I'll go."

Both men said in unison and sat there awkwardly staring at each other, neither one made a move but James was the first to stand up. "It should be me," James said selfishly, crossing his arms in front of him.

"Why is that, _Lieutenant?_" Kaidan asked, his tone alert not like a few minutes ago, standing up almost reaching James' height.

"I'm going and thats that," James snapped, fists balling at his sides, turning around to walk towards the elevator without a single glance more. Lately, Kaidan's grim mood was getting on his nerves, and no matter what anyone said Alenko never seemed to get any better. James had been also feeling a bit down about his position on Shepard's "friend list", he would be lying if he said he didnt want to be something more to her than just a friend back when he served on the Normandy alongside The Great Commander Shepard. The most beautiful, smart, strong, and overall a great woman but now he had to focus on being more than just a stranger, more than an acquaintance. He arrived at the floor Shepard was being kept in, making his way to the room she was in, when he arrived he pushed open the door to reveal the same room she's been for a couple of weeks, James memorized it well. They specifically put her in this windowless room because, according to the doctors, they needed her body focused on healing rather than what went on outside the walls. Now, James knows it was a good choice.

He crept in, his eyes immediately landing on the empty bed in the room, he couldnt help but worry until he heard the flush of a toilet coming from behind a closed door. James sighed in relief as she stepped into view, messy hair and blotchy skin due to the fresh scars. He cleared his throat to catch her attention, and she stopped in her tracks, turning around to face him. Her expression soft, eyes curious and her mouth curved into smile as soon as her vibrant green eyes landed on him. James felt the need to go and give Shepard a hug but he had to restrain himself when he knew he could hurt her, especially in such a fragile state.

"Hey, James," She greeted, her voice slightly hoarse. She turned back around and slowly made her way towards the bed. James followed silently behind her, incase she needed help getting there faster.

Shepard seemed to have no trouble moving about, it looked as though she was fully healed and ready to get back into it. But they all knew she was still under a lot of pain, Shepard was just good at hiding these kinds of things. She bit her lip as she sat down, and sighed when she had finally made it to her destination.

"Commander," He said, giving one nod before grabbing the empty seat to sit down. A few minutes of pure silence had passed, until Shepard sighed again and laid back on her bed, giving out a small yawn.

"Youre always sleepy when I'm around, am I that boring?" James joked, hopefully trying to get a laugh out of her.

"Well, yes, you dont talk much," She replied without missing a beat, which instead made James laugh. _If only she knew, _James thought and continued to look at her.

"I'm just here to answer questions," James teased, and that caught her attention, he knew it was wrong to play around like this, there was no way in hell he would actually answer the questions she surely had about what was going on. But in her presence, he was always running out of things to say so he resorts to flirting, which is about the only thing he can do without sounding like an idiot in front of her.

"Why did you call me Lola?" Shepard asked, she sounded honestly interested in his answer. James was surprised at the question, out of all the things she might want to know, she chose this question. James felt relieved yet disappointed at the fact that he wasnt going to be "playing" Q and A with her but it was for the best.

"You kinda look like a Lola," James replied, feeling slightly sad that he was explaining this once again.

"Who are you?" She asked, catching James by surprise and he sat up straight, his eyes going wide. He knew the Shepard had a large memory gap, and that she did not have a recollection of the faces that had been there with her fighting the Reapers. Hell, Shepard doesnt even remember meeting Garrus and Tali, and theyve had her back since her fight with Saren and the Geth. Those green eyes remained focused on James' face, and he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze.

"Jack told me you were my number one fan, said you know everything about me," Shepard continued, pursing her lips as if trying to hold back laughter. James sat still for a second before bursting out in guffaws.

"Of course," James said after he had calmed down, rolling his eyes at Jack's fabrication.

Shepard laughed briefly before turning serious once more, "Seriously though, where did Kaidan meet all of you?"

"I dont know how to answer that," James shrugged "I guess we are all just your fans."

"Uh-huh, I dont know why you bother visiting, youre not answering my questions," Jane snapped, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"I answered one," James joked, trying to avoid causing Shepard more pain by getting her angry, if that was even possible. James didnt want her feeling stressed, not when she still needs to heal.

"My room doesnt even have a window! Why doesnt my room have a window?!" The Commander shouted gesturing to the wall with both hands, and they flew to her head, grabbing her already messy hair by the roots. This was driving Shepard crazy, James could easily see that, he would be on the brink of insanity if all he did was stare at a white wall the whole day until night came.

"Kaidan will want to spend the night," James said in all seriousness.

"What does that have to anything with it?" She asked letting go of her hair, and threw them up in the air.

James stood up, and made his way towards the door before turning around and say, "I'm stealing you from him for the night."

With a wink he exited and shut the door lightly, leaving Lola sitting there in confusion, a frown on her face.


End file.
